I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
