Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
