I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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