saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Randomize
