I have demons in me.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
