Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
