Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
