I want to make a zoo with you.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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