Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
