were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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