I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Randomize
