Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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