While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
