my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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