If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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