Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
