Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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