No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
