Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
