Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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