Is it because I queefed?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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