Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
