Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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