I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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