The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
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