I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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