Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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