Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
