This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Randomize
