it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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