I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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