found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
