Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
