can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
