If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
