My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
