My Higher Power is John Stamos
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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