I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
