Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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