i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
