Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
