sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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