she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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