I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
