i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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