Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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