Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Randomize
