I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Farmville is her only friend.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
