I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Randomize
