I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
you are never too drunk for berry picking
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
