So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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