dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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