mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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