im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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