from now on my penis is your penis
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
