Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
