Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
