dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
