Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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