I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Randomize
