textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
