please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
