I just saw a hot homeless man
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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