battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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