My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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